Victims, Survivors… These Bloody Labels!
I am not sure about you but I have always struggled with the labels victim and survivor of sexual abuse. There are so many connotations attached to these words and they feel so limiting. And I wouldn’t have delved into this question but every time I want to refer to “us” in my blogs, I have to say “adults who have experienced sexual abuse in their childhood” – a very long winded sentence indeed. So this blog is an exploration into the terms that are more empowering.
The dictionary definition of the terms victim and survivor may be very well appropriate for adults who have experienced childhood sexual abuse or a similar trauma but the connotation attached to these words makes them so much more explosive.
When someone’s control of their lives/experiences is taken away, we call them victims.
When one is having a difficult time in their lives like in third world countries, you would most likely say that they are in survival mode. We don’t tend to use these terms for people living in the first-world because they are not surviving; in terms of basic needs they are thriving (unless of course they have experienced a traumatic event and then they become survivors).
Do we ever see Oprah as a victim or a survivor? No, we see her as a successful and brilliant woman who, despite her experiences, has chosen not to be limited by them.
To me personally, these terms represent a closing; a lack of possibility; a label that limits me and I hate that. I hate to call myself a victim or survivor of sexual abuse; these experiences have influenced who I am but so has the rest of my life. why separate these experiences? and why use them to label myself?
How do you feel about being called a victim or survivor?
Have you ever tried to find a better terminology? One that is enabling rather than limiting, one that doesn’t put us in a box.
I have been having a peek at the dictionary to look for terms that are more appropriate. Terms that are based on the experience (what happened) rather than a judgment on the person (who they are or we are). And I must say that I am finding English to be a very limiting language.
Here are the terms that I have come up with and to be honest, none of them hit the mark but I would love to know what you think and give me ideas:
Invader and invaded – because our trust was invaded and violated as children
Intruder and intruded – because someone intruded into our private space
Offender and offended – an offence was committed
Abuser and abused – the abuse occurred.
All these terms focus on the action/verb rather than judgement of the people involved but if I start saying them, no one would know what or who I am talking about – so there is the dilemma!!
This blog feels unfinished because I feel that I am limited by the connotations of our society. Maybe abuser and abused are the most appropriate terms. I am not sure.
I would love to know what you think?
Love and blessings to you.
** Image courtesy: https://www.pexels.com/
December 7, 2016 @ 11:41 am
Interesting points to ponder. My childhood abuse was physical and emotional, but some of the same considerations apply. Personally I don’t like or identify with labels because of the automatic social expectations and judgements that are attached to them. These, in my experience, block the capacity to see the person as a unique individual – instead encouraging others to view them as a definable representative of a category. So I see myself neither as a ‘survivor’ nor ‘victim’ of abuse in terms of my internal labels. If I sit and consider the reality of my life then they are both true. I was a victim of repeated physical violence from people I was too small to fight back, and I am a survivor of long-term emotional violence. Yet I also find that if I consider these as personal identifiers then I just start to lose energy and feel diminished – as if I am over-investing in maintaining my own ‘wounds’. Even though the psychological impacts of those early experiences may never be fully healed, there is for me a definite deep advantage in stepping back from identifying with any labels. This is just my experience, and I can imagine that for some people being acknowledged as a ‘survivor’ or ‘victim’ could be a very valuable first step in a healing process around something they formerly suppressed.
December 7, 2016 @ 1:19 pm
Very well said Arven. Maybe the key is to use the labels as guidelines rather than identifications. I agree with you in that I was a victim of sexual abuse and I have survived that so both of these labels apply but if we use the same analogy, aren’t we all survivors of life and its happenings?
For me personally, my body cringes when I use these words for me or anyone else…
December 7, 2016 @ 1:28 pm
I think these replacement words are taking the judgment away which comes very heavily with word victim and survivor .. coz then we hear victim and survivors words start judging right away (what happened that this person become victim or survivor)
but using other words like intruder, abuser, do talk about a person but it open and different dilemma … I think it takes the pity thing away from victim or survivors…it probably opens a open minded experience for the situation ..
judging and feel pity is common thing in third world county..as you know
U doing good work..
keep it up..
Love
December 7, 2016 @ 1:54 pm
You are right Shagufta. I think the key is to remain conscious and not get lost in the labels and the corresponding connotations.
I am liking the term abused and abuser